"I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do."
-Naomi Shihab Nye
Some things, though, have been so tremendous that I don't want to keep them to myself, you know? Now that I've had a few clients, it's less likely that by saying anything at all I'm saying something easily tied to a single person or family, so I can let a few of my thoughts into the world.
- The moments that expand into all of time, here and back and forward, are dazzling. I catch them every once in a while, and the sensation of sheer immensity is almost physical. Whole families are both Now People and Someday People, and I get to see first moments of what their Someday looks like. I can't describe it any more than I could describe the universe, but it's so big.
- When a family asks for a photo of me, or I see that they've included my name in something they're keeping to remember their birth, I know I've found my place.
- It's tremendously strange to leave a family after that final visit and know our relationship is over. I cried the whole way home the first time. I find myself worrying or wondering about them, and I miss them. On one hand, maybe in part that's because I haven't had very many, but on the other I genuinely hope I don't lose that feeling entirely as time goes on.
- A lot of the work I do in terms of preparation and skill-building has changed the way I see the world and the way I interact with my mind and heart. Some of that's been in evidence here, but there's a lot more going on that I haven't found ways to put into words. It's changing me, but it's also helping me in ways that sometimes feel kind of selfish. I use the tools I'm learning about to help me cope with other kinds of things, and as I build up my toolkit I'm endlessly surprised at the kinds of things that help me feel better, both physically, mentally, and emotionally, if I can just turn off my skeptic brain for long enough to give them a real attempt.
This is a halfway cheater post, because I wanted to get something out there without having to invest a whole lot of my just-recovering sense of wellness, but it's enough for now.